The main thing to work on here is using CC11 and/or CC1 to create a more realistic expression in the instruments.
But from a composition perspective you don’t just need to think about where your melody is going horizontally, you must also think about where the dynamic/expressive peaks in the melody are. I think writing in this process also helps when it comes to shaping the CC1/11 data in your DAW. Search Youtube for a guy named Mike Verta, he has some nicely explained 10 minute videos about this.
Good start with the piece anyway, I’d have liked the piano to have continued playing for timbre though, but I think if there were a better dynamic range that the absence of the piano in the second half really wouldn’t be an issue.
The end chord/note doesn’t really resolve that well and I’m pretty sure that it could be resolved better, in the context of film too, and remember that expression in emotion and melody is also about the dynamic expression as well as the notes themselves.
I thought that the melody was on the right tracks, but that it could be a bit more distinctive and filled with more emotion. But this is also partly due to orchestration too. Which is all just practice so I’ll say really nice effort and keep going.