Suppose you’re in a relationship & living with a woman for 5 years now, and overall, it’s gone really well, with the exception of a number of times whereby she and her Mother have talked privately about you at length, without letting you know anything that has been said or discussed, and even make plans that involve & include you, again, all the while not telling you anything until the very last minute, if at all.
Moreover, this includes some unfair & nasty things being thrown at you from your [not quite] Mother in law by way of your common law wife – in other words indirectly, that have been both insulting. demeaning & hurtful – all without just cause or provocation.
If that’s not enough, you’ve heard your Mother in law say right to your face ‘how good you are for her daughter, and how you’ve even helped the whole family by way of your presence & efforts so far’ - this from doing very many things for her & 2 other family members, thus making you very confused.
Anyway, as time passes, your wife & you both agreed that you’ve outgrown the place you’re renting, and she basically says “'I want to move - I hate it here”.
So you think to yourself, ‘Ok, we’ll be moving soon - most likely next spring or summer’, and you 'put it on the shelf for now’, knowing that moving day will be something you’ll need to focus on before long.
Then just a week or so later, she goes house shopping not with you, but with her Mother, whom;
A) periodically – every 6 months or so – has caused you untold levels of grief, frustration, anger, hurt & even insults and has ruined your reputation long before you could ever establish it within their family, leaving you ‘in a pile of piss’ that isn’t even yours;
B) You have mentioned to your common-law wife of 5 years that “Your Mother is too overbearing, doesn’t know her boundaries & I don’t want your Mother picking out a place for us to live. We can do that ourselves, just like we’ve done before”.
Your wife agrees, because whenever her Mother has ‘pissed all over’ you in the past, she was also equally outraged and perturbed about it each time it happened – or so it appeared.
So no surprise that you don’t want your [almost] Mother-in law involved in any decision making in your life, especially something so important, detailed, expensive and arduous as a place to move to and possibly buy.
But next thing you know, you find out that your wife’s been looking WITHOUT YOU for the last 12 days with her Mother - I repeat, WITH HER MOTHER, and they pick a place to buy - not to rent - TO BUY - all without including you in any shopping around, viewings, input, suggestions, questions, measurements & any & all decisions.
She finally tells you about it, after her Mother, her realtor and her have their hearts set on it, but then ignores any logic, wisdom, suggestions and alternative ideas you mention, including and especially why you’re upset and even incensed about the whole process of exclusion.
Although her realtor has shown her a number of places on-line, it is the one and only place she’s actually gone & physically looked at and sure as shootin’ she’s going to buy this place with or without you. In other words, she’s buying the first & only place she’s looked at.
In fact, the paper work is all ready to be signed – and I know she’s gonna sign it - [FYI ,my signature is not required on the documents].
Now - how would you feel about all this?
Which way would that turn your crank?
Positive; negative; other?
Especially if you had a life long history of being invalidated by many, many people in your past – mostly women including your own Mother, your sister, your ex-wife - and she - your common law wife knows this all to well and has in the past been compassionate & understanding towards you about this - even though she as done this to you several times as well.
As a heads up, I told her I absolutely refuse to move in with her, just out of sure spite alone, for purposely being left out of the entire process from start to almost finish.
So now be honest - be brutally honest!
What would your thoughts & feelings be?
How about some comments you might say to her?
Am I in the wrong? Is she?
She finally showed me the place.
Some of the rooms are to small, there are strata fees for cutting almost no grass, shoveling almost never any snow, and cleaning cutters without any tall trees in sight for miles.
Worst of all and most important, there are 27 stairs from top to bottom.
I’m 53, and after a lifetime of construction as an Electrician since just 3 weeks out of high school, she knows my knees are bad, to the point where I’m even having trouble going up & down an 8’ ladder now after just few times up & down it.
But again, I tell ya’, she’s gonna go ahead & buy it with or without me, because she has what’s known as ‘new car smell syndrome’, which more often than not, leads to ‘buyers remorse’ - something I’m trying to caution her about, but like many women, now refuses to listen to anything I say - even being late to the party.
Thank you for your honesty Buds,
Jim
… i dont think you will be able to talk any sense to each other let alone come to an understanding . for now anyway. she may have to recognise your absence before she can see. …or not