For experienced musicians only. Musical Offenses.

Aloha guys,

I’ve been there. Have you?
{’-’}

MUSICAL OFFENSES
Playing loudly during warm up $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
Loud cursing after mistake $10
Playing high and fast after mistake $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
Asking for “E” tuning note $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
Playing written-out walking line $50
Failure to play written walking line $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
Playing eighth notes $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo $75
Dragging ballad tempo $100
Blacking out during ballad $200
Ignoring drummer’s tempo $100
Following drummer’s tempo $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
Showing up before first downbeat $25
Playing audibly $25
Faking changes $25
Slapping $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
Excessive sweating $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
Asking leader for a solo $30
Accepting solo when offerred $50
Taking second chorus $100
Playing solo arco $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
Playing “A Train” ending on every tune $200
Playing extended “A Train” ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS
Checking hair between tunes $15
Experimenting with odd meters $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
Playing with a pick $50
Tuning during ballad $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
Attempting last word on final chord $50
Achieving last word on final chord $100
Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
Forgetting strap $10
Changing strings after every set $15
Using electric tuner $15
Setting up mic “just in case” $75
Forgetting to turn amp on $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass $150
Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
Asking bone player about their day gig $10
Sitting behind drums on break $10
Quoting “Birdland” $25
Practicing scales during break $25
Practicing scales during drum solo $50
Practicing $150
Beginning a sentence with “When I was a guitar player…” $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are “into sequencing” $100

BASIC STUPIDITY
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
Asking when the rock set starts $20
Continually asking “where are we?” $25
Continually shouting “Yeah!” $25
Asking bone player where “1” is $50
Taking cell phone call during 4’s $100

Class :smiley:

  • Turning up with a list of “musical” offenses. Fine=$2000
  • Telling drummer joke. Pockets emptied and banned from van interior for the return journey.

If you can get in the van for the bloody drums…

-Forgetting to hide the rider from the thirsty ‘crew’ backstage and coming off-stage to a bunch of wasted crew and a heap of crumpled beer cans and empty bottles… :frowning:
-Make crew find their own way home!!! (well if i had my way lol)

Here’s 15 ways to keep musicians out of your studio! :laughing: :wink:

  1. Act like you know more than they do.

  2. Don’t listen to their suggestions.

  3. Listen to their suggestions, and then don’t do any of them.

  4. Don’t take any time to get to know them…and then criticize their performance during the session…then wonder why they don’t seem comfortable.

  5. Check your email, Twitter, and Facebook while they’re recording a take. They definitely won’t notice. And you’ll definitely be on your game.

  6. If the performance is lacking, have the musician record roughly 17 takes. It’ll be easier to comp together a perfect take than to actually work with them to get one good performance.

  7. Make your studio as warm as possible. Sweaty musicians are happy musicians.

  8. Just set up mics and press record. Have ZERO input into the creative process. That’s really valuable to musicians.

  9. Don’t explain why you’re doing what you’re doing. Make demands. Be as short and snippy as possible. It makes you look professional.

  10. Don’t offer any sort of refreshments to the musicians (especially the singers). If they want water, they should bring it.

  11. When tensions are mounting, or the recording is getting more frustrating, do NOT offer to take a break. You gotta power through this.

  12. While recording one musician, tell lots of stories about other clients you record. Make sure you make fun of them. It’ll make you look cool.

  13. Talk about how amazing your OTHER clients are.

  14. Don’t be prepared for the recording session. Instead, make the musicians wait at LEAST a half hour while you set things up. (It makes you look “in demand.”)

And finally, number 15:

  1. Don’t have any sort of portfolio of music you’ve worked on. The musicians should blindly trust you, without any proof of your skills whatsoever.