Nice attempt. You have some nice ideas there, but if you really want constructive criticism as you say, well, it’s coming. If not, stop reading now.
It starts off with the right intent, but there is no discernible rhythm there for the listener to lock onto.
Same holds true with the cello (?) figure that starts @ :30, which is cool. BUT - there is some semblance of a rhythm there, but it is not easy to lock onto.
That part should go longer, and develop more. There is so much you can do there, with more strings (think counterpoint), percussion, synths, etc.
The transition into the next part is weak.
From that point forward - your strings don’t sound like strings. They sound like a bad accordion. What lib are you using? Get something that has a better attack. LASS is the first thing that comes to mind.
The percussion is severely lacking. You are in the right direction with it, but you need more. Think big, and think accents.
As the cue progresses, it just turns to mush. There is no clarity, no definition.
Next piece you write, come up with a comprehensible rhythm, and stick to it. Over that, put a distinct melody, that you can sing to.
Listen to other works that will give you ideas on how to do things.