“…the only folks that have NO problems, have no gear …” When you’re right, you’re right. 
“…a reverse alternate view…” that twists my brain. 
I used to have such an embarrassing sig back in the old Cubase forums.
Stuff like
Sampletank, Sampletank XL w/ Tron, Ozone, Battery/2, Trilogy, Universal Sound Module, Wave PPG, Roland PC300 keyboard, Tascam US428, Monster Cable
Every dumb little thing I had got added into that, I thought it was so cool when the list spanned 5 lines of plugins, at one point I had IK ARC… so funny, I’m an amateur but I am not that rookie anymore!