As a follow-up, I just spoke with my lawyer who said that my computer is in their possession, and they have requested permission to examine it. My lawyer told them no. I will be meeting with him this afternoon to discuss this further.
I still find this whole incident to be both funny and lamentable.
Holy crap, Larry!
Heh. You and I are going to need to do some serious drinking at some point soon after all of this is over. 
Indeed, holy crap man… wishing you a speedy recovery
Wow - that is freaking crazy. I would be less than amused if my wife ran off with my computer!
-Tom
This morning inspiration struck and I developed (in my head) a full song structure for a jazzy version of Let It Snow.
No computer. Dammit.
So I go rummaging through my storage bins to find my old Tascam US-144, install the drivers, install Cubase, then plug it in.
Bam! BSOD!
Ugh…so cycle power and try the USB port on the docking station (this is my work laptop). BSOD again.
Lather, rinse, and repeat…five times.
Screw it. I put away the Tascam interface and sulk.
About an hour later, I get incredibly stir crazy so I decide to leave the house. I end up going to the bank to deposit some money and realize that it’s on the way to Sam Ash. 
My friend and former bandmate, Matt, is the guitar tech there and I haven’t seen him in a long while.
Verbose story telling aside, I walked away with a Focusrite Scarlet 18i8 (already 20% off and today was an additional $50 off); an MXR Carbon Copy; and an MXR Super Badass Distortion. Once the divorce is complete my wife will take her father’s pedals and amp away in addition to his 79 Strat and 81 Ibanez. And I needed to get over the $450 threshold to get the “18 months, same as cash deal.” I replaced two pedals, got a much better portable interface, and it will cost me $30 per month.
Plus, I get to give my Tascam to my daughter in hopes that she won’t have the same trouble as I did. She’s finally starting to compose her own tunes on the piano, and I hope she catches the recording bug. (I also hope I have a Cubase LE CD lying around somewhere.)
Very long story short: I think I managed to give my wife the middle finger today without breaking the bank.
Sahweeeeet!