I usually leave comments about drum kits to others.
At the beginning of the piece, those effects are very nice. But from a composers perspective, given how long it takes for the vocals to enter, you should really have at least a fragment (but identifiable as the main melody from the song) at the beginning. It’d sound nice on a string section. The intro is too long for a commercial song (and without any form of melody, fragmented or full it’s also nice, but fails to keep my attention for how long it is.) So as a demo to a record label, I’d really cut it in half and have the opening vocal melody played on strings, in full or just a fragment as I said.
Your voice has a very nice tone and control to it, as I said about one of your past pieces. It’s very pleasant to hear, especially at the higher pitches.
At 3:25 I think you should have a half a bar break (or whatever is a couple seconds of audio) and have a couple of drum hits just before every other instrument enters and I also think that there should be more instruments at this point, a string section, electric guitars sustaining power chords,some subtle synths that you can’t really hear, but add texture and fill in a certain timbre/frequency/space in the mix. I just think it’s such a let down after the previous part of the song. As a listener you really want everything coming in powerful at 3:25 after a couple of seconds of no audio (although some reverb tails, or some effect) with full dynamics to really send chills down your spine and then bring it down again for the end. I think if you did get signed to a record label, they would also want you to do this and I think doing that would just be better for the song in any listening/audience situation. It’s really lacking a string section for 3:25 onwards. For the type of piece it is, I know that it’d sound a million times better with properly scored strings, not just any random orchestration. I could score it no problem and I’d be happy to if you’d want that but I’m not sure how it’d work to actually get the two together in the mix.
But speaking of the drums, the drums really should be playing fully at 3:25 in conjunction with the above suggestions.
Other than that, really great stuff, good sense of melody and performance.