Hamburg, Germany, 10-Nov-2021: BREAKING NEWS
Supply chain issues and a shock announcement by one of the world’s leading suppliers of music software are being blamed for unprecedented shortages of new music being piped into global distribution networks.
In a surprise announcement on Wednesday, officials from Steinberg GmbH detailed how their existing copy-protection system known as the “eLicenser” would be replaced in early 2022 by a new authorisation system which will not require the USB hardware device colloquially known as “the dongle”.
For some, this suddenly made real the suspicions that had been fuelled by a text leaked onto the internet days earlier, before being swiftly removed. Mass rioting immediately broke out in many major cities across the planet between factions who believe their investment will no longer be adequately protected against theft, and others who have for decades advocated the abolition of what they perceive to be a “ball and chain” or “ankle bracelet” that must be tolerated in order to produce music.
Furthermore, news in the shock press release that there would be no “.5” upgrade in time for the holidays this year gave rise to violent outbursts from long-time fans of the company’s flagship music production software, with some openly advocating public burning of Cubase 5* manuals in protest. “I was depending on Cubase 11.5 to be able to finish my magnum opus – what am I going to do now? It’s not good enough, I tell you!” screamed one irate protester through a bullhorn with astonishingly good audio quality.
(*Cubase 5 was the last version to have a printed paper manual)
For years, Steinberg have released annual incremental “.5” updates to Cubase, with 11.5 being due this November, however the eagerly awaited update, about which absolutely nothing is known, yet upon which the dreams and ambitions of so many were based, has now been officially cancelled, and is instead scheduled for release as Cubase 12 in early 2022.
The fact that no precise date was given for the release of Cubase 12 appears to have added to the anger and frustration of mobs gathered in national capitals around the world, whose rhythmical and strangely harmonically correct chants echoed into the night.
Unofficial Steinberg sources lamented one fact that seems to have gone almost unnoticed: anyone who upgrades now to Cubase 11 will get a free upgrade to Cubase 12 on its release, including those who gamed the system by buying their upgrades cheaply during the summer sale, but were holding off on activating the license until the “grace period” was announced, resulting in a massive discount.
An unnamed source is claimed to have said: “What the %$# is wrong with these people? They get to keep the Cubase 11 license on the USB eLicenser, then they additionally get not one, but two activations of the free Cubase 12 license we’re giving them – and yet, here we are at 4 AM in crash helmets, not knowing when we’ll be able to leave this forum!”
All this has lead to a world-wide shortage of music, as on Thursday, instead of producing mind-bending beats and soaring ear-worm melodies, a large contingent of the world’s musicians were busy flingling ill-conceived and grammatically questionable queries at an increasingly weary group of company die-hard social media warriors who remained at the keyboards, typing furiously to placate users entertaining their wildest imaginable fantasies of a dongle-free anarchy filling the void which would otherwise have been occupied with endless complaints about all that would have been wrong with the now cancelled Cubase 11.5.
Things had improved little by Friday, although latest reports suggest that after thirty-six straight hours of relentless whining and ranting, an eerie quiet has begun to set in, though some fear it may be just the calm before a (possibly chemically-fuelled) weekend storm.
The music world waits with bated breath …
, but of course ymmv depending on exchange rates.
