Ok, so just listening to the non-percussion version only;-
The cello and 1st violins are too far spread to sound good with what they are playing. You’d be better off having the 2nd violins and violas doing it, possibly an octave down. But aside from that, the cello part just doesn’t work as an ostinato and the parts don’t work in synergy with each other anyway. However, the expression is noticeably much, much better than the first version, so well done with that aspect of it. It just takes time to get a feel for editing the expression in at least as convincing a way as is possible with the technology that you have allows. Although, it just takes time and practice to improve any skill.
The arpeggios would be better on 2nd violins and/or violas and the melody line on 1st violins. In terms of real life orchestration the 1st violin section is larger in players for a start and the middle just sounds empty and bare with those arpeggios so far to the left. But I don’t think the melody itself is very strong or memorable. The melody notes just don’t seem to align with chords as well as they could. The horn parts could work as a melody line, but yeah, all the melody notes just aren’t working. The 1st violin arpeggios are playing at too high a dynamic/volume too. If it’s an ostinato/riff then that’s fine, that is your melodic hook. But they are supporting a melody and they are too loud/intrusive for that.
Also, your trumpet player is sitting on your horn players laps. While this may be a comfortable arrangement for them; trumpets, trombones and tuba are seated to the right for balance.
The expression is much better as I said, but the biggest problem with it as a standalone piece of music or a film soundtrack is that the melody just isn’t memorable and it just doesn’t work with the chords very well, or as well as it could do with more time spent focusing on the relation between the melody notes and the bass/chords. The chord progression should really have more variation. It’s just dull to listen to the same 4 chords over and over without even at the very least an A and B section to alternate between. Especially for a piece that goes on for over 6 minutes. Plus, I’ve heard that chord progression a few too many times in different genres of music, but quite a lot with orchestra and it doesn’t get more exciting each time unfortunately.
There just aren’t defined A and B (verse/chorus) sections for it to pass as an enjoyable standalone piece and for film/game/story kind of score there isn’t enough variation in; dynamics, orchestration, chords, melody, rhythm.
Other than that, just keep on writing new pieces and practicing and trying out different ways of forming the chords/melody across the orchestra and discovering what works. You’ve made a good effort here and orchestrating well is just something that takes practice, like anything. Perhaps try to orchestrate for less instruments and build up that way. At least that’s how I began when I first started learning music and trying to compose with notation.
I’ve probably missed out a few things that I should or would have commented on, but I’m pretty tired.