I don’t really know enough about the genre to comment on the production aspects. But I have to disagree that it’s an extremely melodic piece. In terms of melody it’s neither catchy nor that melodic until 1:16. The melody at that point is fine but again not what I’d call extremely melodic but definitely melodic compared to the typical machine-like grinds of the genre. It isn’t quite there rhythmically but it’s pretty cool. I think it could do with some breaks in the sustain, perhaps even syncing with the bass drum at times. But it’s getting there anyway.
But anyway, the first minute kinda sounds like 3 different pieces mashed into one. If you write strings please do write for a full string section minus double bass, having 1st violins playing up high just sounds too disconnected from the rest of the notes (this is true in any genre) and you’d almost always be told in orchestration tuition (or books) to double the high 1st violins with an octave lower in the 2nd violins or it just sounds too empty when the other pitch ranges between the bass and higher notes are absent.
I listened to the original and please take this comment in the helpful manner that it’s said. The original seems to have been crafted by someone that has a basic understanding of chords and their inversions. The bass notes move well with the melodic line. I’m sorry but your remix has completely ruined that without adding anything of value. The different progression is almost working, but the knowledge to make it work either isn’t there or you’re simply limited by having cut and pasted the vocal track and not worked out the melody from scratch. Working on production skills is all well and everything, but you should also practice working bass notes with a melody line because it’s that which is the lacking element here. Even if you were given permission, I don’t really think one learns that much compared to writing your own melody lines from scratch.
The production seemed to sound fine to me so far. My ears aren’t that attuned to hearing specific differences in mastering though.